Monday, November 21, 2016

Before my 33rd Birthday

At one point in my life, I wished for a partner just like me, flaws and all. But a friend of mine disagreed. It is only now that I realize that a sick person cannot care for another sick person....that would be like a see-saw with both participants on one side. I think I was weary and wary of being a bother...a burden.

My Dad once asked me why I continued to treat men vs.myself the way I normally do. He asked puzzled, if I thought I was a loser. It brought tears to my eyes...because I didn't start out romance believing that I was a loser - the loser treatment was what I was dealt so I guess, I made it pierce me til it infected my bloodstream.

Very recently both of my parents emailed me about someone from my past. Neither of them had ever done that before. I have looked back in retrospect, feeling regret. I believe we are both happy with whom we have settled down with. To be truthful, I have absolutely no way of knowing how this person is doing. But I am well and happy, hoping that he is the same.

This is the first year in three years that I have kept good health. I thank God for that. I have not felt stressed out or emotionally battered, as I did in the recent past. I feel healthy. I have weight to lose as usual. But I get love and support, encouragement and soothing banter about my fluff. I enjoy taking the days one at a time.

On becoming 33, I have learnt that being there for someone is the distinguishing element of true friendship. A friend is someone who you won't have to worry about being a burden to. To this day, two girls have been there for me, in differing degrees over the years. These days motherhood, careers and the vicissitudes of life have kept us separated but they have an unmoveable place in my heart. I am very thankful to God as He showed me from day 1 that those two beez were my ryde or dies :)

I have also learnt that one should not care too much about what others think you should be doing with your life and relationship. I still believe in love and taking risks with it, when it is called for. My spouse is someone I never saw myself  being with. He actually found me on facebook. Of all places. A place where I never take anyone seriously. But he just kept trying. Waking me up in the morning with calls to wish me well and for me to have a good day (to my annoyance, because I hate getting up early). He made himself available to talk to, at any time. I started to feel valued in a way I never have before, ever at all.Now I call him my King and identify myself as his Queen. It is magical experiencing love, giving love, exchanging it daily. It truly is magical. I recall saying to an older friend of mine at work early last year, that God was going to speak from the heavens and say "Here is he" to identify the true man for me. In many ways, I think this has happened. Why? I started to make a mental list of things the man I needed would possess. And it is the little things that impact in a big way that indicate that he is worth fighting for. I normally love hard. Today I feel that I am loved back just as hard.

I want marriage and children. I am patiently waiting. He did go down on both knees recently to propose to me one morning while we were both getting ready to start our day. He used a tarnished, old ring that I have and put it on my finger. Haha. I found it sweet and romantic. So, I'm waiting on the real thing. Yes. :)

Speaking of which, I have also learnt that persons who are insecure and have low self-esteem generally do not like when others are happy around them.
I've attended an all girls high school and I now work with several women. And grown ups sometimes have more issues than teens, trust. So many women require money as a pre-requisite for dating them. When the money disappears, so do they. I can safely say that I do not fall in that category. I believe, my ex's know that about me and that may be why things have ended messily in the past, at times. It's hard to wish somebody well much less stay friends when you wish he or she would not let go.

I pray for a fertile womb almost every day. It's all I want to complete my life - children with the man I love.

I also would like to see my first book of poetry published, before I die. Haha. I have to say that, because I have been waiting quite a long spell. While I wait, I will live.

I actually felt like sitting today to write.. I didn't force myself. God sends blessings like a refreshing breeze - it happens naturally, without any projection on our part. In life, we have to work with God's time, not ours.

Dear God, thank you for my life, the most beautiful gift.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Heyy jaquanda...i have followed your blog over the years the layout has changed but i still tune in every now and then to check out your post..keep up the great work ..i know this is not even the right forum to make contact my apprehension about this is many years old..finally i mustered some courage fearing an insult as i know im putting myself out there on the internet how are you doing? i hope you are doing thankful life is good on my side..not wanting an email or contact ..if you reply with 2 words "im fine" it would make my day for another 25 years while i still tune in to your blog every now and then ..sigh..a bit scared..but its me....R.A.