Friday, July 31, 2015

Clock Strikes

I have been in love with a man for three and a half years. During that time we have never officially been boyfriend and girlfriend and most of the time we have not been intimate. But love comes without a formula in my life.

He does not love me though. And I get the feeling more and more that he scorns me and thinks I am weak and undesirable. Sometimes it's hard to accept the truth especially when you are full of love...but the facts of life are cold as concrete and just as firm too.

In 2012, I decided to go to a dance in a bad area, just so I could see him. He showed up with his date and when he was leaving with her, I decided to walk past. He watched me for a short while then got in the car with her and drove away. I had gone to the dance alone and I didn't have enough money to call a taxi service. I ended up asking a stranger for a ride. That experience I believe, is the most dangerous I've put myself in, being in a rational mood. After that happened, I spoke with one of his friends briefly, just to inform that his action there had been the straw that broke the camel's back. It showed that he didn't care...not even about...anything to do with me.

And now in 2015, here I am still weeping. I have watched the Autumn Leaves video by Chris Brown three times in total, at intervals. What am I to do when the love of my life says I am a pest and nutcase and that I should move on with my life? Move on, right?

It hurts so bad. He told me this a few weeks ago. My thick exterior bounced it off until it soaked through today as I listened to the words of Chris Brown's song. His ex-girlfriend Karreuche Tran is featured in the video with him. She really tried...but sometimes, you have to love yourself enough to let go.

How can I be a pretty girl and feel so ugly and undesirable? When I was younger, I was so happy with who I was as a person. Now, I really do feel like a loser....

I think I'm scared that I'll always be under my parents' watch and care which I have a big problem with. I've been saying to myself that I wish I were married so my parents could butt out of my life and not have the last say. However, what I need to realize is that I am the one who has been taking care of myself for a while. I'm the one who has been tenderly stroking my own head and hugging my own body when I go to sleep. I'm taking my time and learning to take care of myself.

So....Mr. So and So...I will never bother you again. I get it now. A man who wants a woman does not make her feel unwanted. Thanks for always being straightforward and letting me know the deal.

I will feel better soon. I'm a phenomenal woman and my life is just starting. I have so much more to accomplish. Right now, I would rather learn to appreciate all the great things about myself and try my hand at cheering up my hurt pride. With God as my ship's captain, He will see me through.

I loved you, but it's ok.

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