Feeling a bit melancholy but that is to be expected....I'm a poet and we write while feeling melancholy and retrospective. Well, at some stage of the writing process we feel that way. Anyway. Back in 2012 I was having a heart to heart with an old friend and I told her that I could never go back or face someone I really loved because he had seen me at my lowest...at the time, I was still treading lightly in my own skin. The friend said, but of course you can...the thing that happened to you doesn't have to stop you from reconnecting in the future.
I said nothing further. She didn't know that it had happened before. A man who swore he loved me and deserved me more than anyone else....I cracked under pressure right before his eyes...and he told me that I didn't know what love was and that I never loved him.
So, how could I later...failing once more to keep it together...think to myself that I should ever face someone I had shown my weakness in front of. I haven't to this day.
Doesn't mean I don't love him.
When you hurt somebody....could you love the person truly...yet consciously and knowingly hurt them...because you think you are supposed to?
I'm not the same girl.
.....I was watching a documentary about a father and a daughter who went hiking and were attacked by a Grizzly bear. The bear grabbed the daughter and gave her some horrible bites, tearing open her face, breaking her spine. The girl's father decided to fight the bear and rescue his daughter...he and the bear fell over the cliff to several feet below. The father and daughter lived to tell the tale and are closer for having gone through the experience together.
There was a moment in the feature when a member of the medical staff who attended to the father who was at death's door quick, fast and in a hurry...said that in the middle of all his agony...he had a broken neck, dislocated eye....broken limbs....he was utterly fucked....he made a joke about being grateful for wearing clean underwear.
They were cutting off his damp clothes because his body temperature was getting too cold.
I remembered my Grandmother. She was a double paraplegic confined to a wheelchair but her spirit and personality, her smile and her attitude, her heart, her mind, the woman was a goddess on Earth...a blessed peacemaker and change inducer. She turned everything bad into something that could be manageable. She was just positivity and a reason to smile, hope and have faith. I began to cry as usual. I wonder if it's a hobby of mine to cry in my quiet alone time? I guess only when I miss her and feel lonely....and distant, unrelated, dull hurts.
After that fabulous show ended and I got my wits in order, the news began. I laughed with some of it until they began to talk about a father's day video that two daughters sent in. I looked at it intently, because a father was being filmed praising his daughter for getting a good grade on a test that she had worked hard on. He also told her that there is more to life than good grades. Then I began to have a mini panic attack when I found out that the girls had filmed that video in 2010 and that he had died four years later in 2014 from pancreatic cancer. I started to freak out. The two girls closest to me have both lost their fathers, the last one died in January. I still have mine and tomorrow I plan on telling him Happy Father's Day. I didn't expect to hurt so much from missing my Grandmother when she died. But when I saw that video those girls did of their Dad...I knew I would never want to live without mine.
Because of all the men in my life, he is the only one who is there even when I don't want him to be. He holds himself accountable. He's my Pop. These girls with this video have driven the point home...there is no man who will be there for his girls like a good father.
A good father won't always be perfect. Sometimes you will butt heads with him, annoy and hurt each other. But one thing I know is that when a father loves his child, he will always come to her rescue. Like that man nearly killing off himself when he saw the Grizzly attack his daughter.
I added you on Facebook Daddy.
.........it's not going to be easy for you to come in my life when I have made it this far without you. We have a history of hurting each other. I will always love you more than anyone else. But it doesn't mean that I don't love myself more. My father told me that I'm not a loser and I should stop treating myself like one. When you send out bullshit memos like those, I'm not signing them.
Now I don't even feel like partying. Fuck.