Friday, October 3, 2014

Soundtracks at Thirty and Ten Elevenths

This is me approaching 31. Trying harder to live a healthy, active life. Single and abstaining and being at peace with it. Realizing that life as I always wanted it may end up differently...and still thanking God for the breath of life itself. At my lowest point in my entire life...I walked down a road in the night, exhausted. Believing I was going home to die. And begging for it. Didn't want to live. Was ready. I thought I had drank poison. In fact, all I had done was to have breakfast at Burger King. But, you see, I was depressed and had stopped taking my medication for my manic depression, also known as Bipolar Disorder. I think I hoped desperately that without the medication, I would feel better. But this is the thought of a person who is becoming ill.

Life can be challenging for people like me. But the medication is what guarantees that we live healthy, productive lives. I walked down that road, wondering if I was on my own road where I live, not too sure. Not too sure about the day's events. Not too sure about anything. Then somehow I saw a familiar landlord, at my gate, looking out with a worried then relieved expression. My mother had been searching for me all day he said. While I went from hospital to hospital, telling the doctors that I believed that I had been poisoned as a part of a big conspiracy. In fact, all I had done was take 10 days vacation from work due to burn out and lie on my couch for two days motionless and weeping. Drinking water from the fridge which I later believed had been planted there to poison me. Freeing myself from my apartment therefore, I went for breakfast, believing also I would eat poison from the American fast food chain.

Part of my depression dates back to my childhood when I experienced trauma. This last episode I went through though has made me look at my past and free myself from the hurt. Because I let go of my shame. Which is always the monster. The shame. The anger has dissipated also. I decided it was time. In a wicked sense, I got what I believe is pay back. And for that reason too....I am free.

I will always want to take my medication from now on. I wondered if by talking about my childhood finally, I would no longer need meds and would therefore heal myself. But bipolar individuals cannot heal themselves in my opinion. We will always need support. Which is what I got. From the very person I was most upset with. So, in my life...I always take the sweet with the sourish, sourish being a word my Grandmother made common. Guess that's why I like gummy worms :)

Anyway, I've had a helluva 30th year. Dumped a few years ago and it feels fresh at times. Would think it was yesterday, that I hadn't moved on and dated someone else after. That didn't work out, but that wouldn't have anyway. I guess I've been through a lot as usual. But I've had many happy moments as well and feelings of personal achievement and landmarks. So, I repeat, 30 has been a helluva year.

I just realized that I have faith that I will still get my dream of being a mother and a wife - having my own family which has always been my biggest dream. I know deep down that I'll be a good Mom. Cause I have my Grandmother's heart and my mother's patience which means I know how to love and forgive.

When I started this blog, it had been because one of my two best friends had encouraged me. It was 2008 and I was numb. She said, talk about it....well, maybe she didn't, can't remember right now. But the more I posted, the more I felt comfortable opening my mouth like Ariel. My words have become my song. Since I only sing well when I basically am in the hospital, eating hospital food which is restrictive and tailor-made. I had very little dairy, no high caloric food, because, oh yes, due to my being overweight and being a worrier, I have quite high blood pressure. (I've lost a bit of weight, which is always good for any chronic condition's control). I would sing in the hospital, in the mornings. Sit in a chair, take some sun and sing hymns. It was therapeutic. Hospitals.

I've healed quite a bit now. It doesn't happen overnight though. Even when I was released, I had lingering irrational thoughts. But they go with time and rest as you settle back into the normal routine including daily medicine. The chemical imbalance rights itself eventually and one day you realize you are fine. Which I say a lot when people ask me, "how are you?" I notice Jamaican men like to inform me that I am not fine because I have on weight. You see, Jamaicans describe small, skinny persons using the same word. I find it most annoying but they never cease to point it out. I really feel fine, in the truest sense of the word. Plus....I believe I am a fine motherfucker , in American rapper, Juvenile's sense of the word. Damn you, stupid, country ass Jamaican men. :)

Anyway, as I reflected earlier on 2008 when I started the blog, in my very first "Soundtracks at" post, I picked Jimmy Cliff's song "Sitting Here in Limbo" as a recurring soundtrack for that year. Well, you know what? As I think about then and now...I will once more choose Sitting In Limbo Why?

At the time it was my soundtrack, I didn't know the lyrics. I would just meditate on the thought of sitting in limbo...kinda being stuck. But, about an hour ago as I worried over the fact that my birthday was fast approaching and I was clueless as to what to post as my Soundtracks at 30 and a....well clearly my birthday is not 6 months away but one month away, hence, well you get it. Yeah, it just came like a ripple in a lake. Compare that Jimmy Cliff song, then to now. There's more lyrics in the song than sitting in limbo. He sings of soul searching and faith. I do soul searching as a hobby. It's what single poets do really. LOL. We have no emotional love distractions anymore. So, that's what we do. And faith. The faith of a mustard seed. Which I have. As I never stop believing in God's love, even when I don't feel like loving myself.

I just want God to know right now that I have never felt like He was punishing me at any time of my illness. Who really knows though right? If I sin, punishment is just. But somehow, I don't think God has that sort of personality. Because, God is love.

It's by God's Grace All things through Christ Jesus. I hardly go to church these days. But it doesn't mean I love the Lord any less. Thank you God for keeping me safe, each and every time I put myself in danger. Thank you.

As I turn 31 in a matter of weeks, I am thankful. Thankful for my life. As imperfect as I am and as imperfect as it is. My tears do flow, but I still smile for some reason after. Life is up and down, pain and happiness, love and loss. It is life. And I am still here. But still, healthy.

The last soundtrack I will refer to is The Prayer I love it ESPECIALLY because I am finally hearing all of it in English so I appreciate it more.

It speaks for itself.

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