Saturday, September 27, 2014

Before mi mind get bad, better you flip it round and mek mi mind get mad.


Guilt is an emotion that I am terrible at handling. If I do something I know is morally wrong and which I don't agree with in my soul, my conscience eats away at my heart, then my mind then my brain.

As an adult, whenever I have had severe medical crises...there have always been multiple stress factors playing  a part and always, always guilt over something I did or didn't do tops it  off or blows the top off. In terms of personal relationships, becoming involved with more than one person at the same time; no matter how innocent the external association was or the technicality of whether whoever and I had broken up before any other hooking up took place, yadda yadda yadda -  has affected me. Because, I hate cheating. In terms of morality, if I do something that is sanctioned by authority, I can easily defend myself since I personally am not a law breaker so there must be a valid reason, technicality or simple explanation that would reveal that no sanction was actually compromised. But, the stress of it all, the moral question(s)...lord, it can be hard to bear.

Konshens' line in the song, which I have used as the title of this post, can be translated as - he would rather go insane than become morally corrupt. It sounds a bit bizarre, doesn't it? Losing your mind in preference to doing the wrong thing while being aware of the fact, without caring about the good or bad scenario. But, how many of us would rather do wrong than lose our minds. It's such a weird thing to deliberate, right?

Say for instance, you have an emergency and need money to pay for something. Would you steal it? Then put it back later silently?
Or watch as your victim reacts with despair at his hard earned last being taken away...silently. Would you borrow it from someone off limits and pay it back? Even though the forbidden lender stated it was a gift and you should not pay it back?

I borrowed money from an acquaintance who assured me that it was her gift to me and I did not have to worry about repayment. I decided to go ahead and remit the money back to her without giving her a choice in the matter. When I let her know that I did, her first cry was that she definitely needed some funds since some misfortune had come her way. With all of that....just the moral question of having borrowed the money from her stressed me out.

People look at me sometimes and I wonder what they see. They certainly don't see someone who fears the crap out of God. I prefer to do the right thing. I am not perfect or a saint. I just know that my conscience is fierce and abusive! It hates when I go against law and order. But it hates especially when God disapproves. I might not always pick up. I guess that's why I still am yet to master balance and equanimity when my stress levels are high.

Help me Jesus Christ to manage stress more effectively God. Don't send me back to that crazy place. Help me to do the right thing since I just can't manage the effects of doing bad things....the effects being my self reflection.

In other news, I am so happy to see in the news that the FBI head honcho made a negative comment about Google and its seeming compromise of user privacy . Today I deleted my Google Plus account.                                                                                                                                       

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