Saturday, June 23, 2012

Contemplating Boots

My ex lied to me throughout our relationship. It was reflex for him. He told me he was going away for a few months. No longer than 3 or so Danny. If I stay longer Danny, I'll send a ticket so you can come stay a while with me. Danny in excitement (and perhaps hidden depression) goes on a shopping spree and buys boots that she can't walk in and won't wear in Jamaica. Because it was autumn. Well, the ex stayed for 9 months. And I hung in there for the 9 months. Never went up to see him either...he had no money for a ticket. I realized late.

These boots have sat in my closet for 5 years. Never worn outside the house. Took a picture in them by a friend's relative's apartment the day I bought them; the picture has never reached my grasp or email.

What do these boots mean to me? A colossal waste. Time, money, effort, tears. I will throw them away today. Like how I cut up that neat little credit card the bank gave me. The credit card I used to feel better about my shitty life and relationship. Til I reached the point where debt gleamed from my eyes.

I use my experiences now to evaluate how much I have healed from my ex's terrible behaviour. A desperate man does not appeal to me. Check. A man my parents do not approve of does not appeal to me. Undecided. A man who tells several dangerous and major lies is not worth my time. Check. A man who is crazy is not worth my time. Check......

I am starting to feel hopeless though. Times are bad on Earth. The gift of life is a tremendous blessing. But I don't know if it makes sense to hope for good love anymore. A man who is looking for the same things I am. I don't know if I'll ever get that. Starting to lose hope. I might have to move to another country to find love.

Looked at the boots the other day. Feeling a dull memory of pain.

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