Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Moving into my First Apartment, Moving Out of my First Apartment.....composed on January 3, 2012.



It is January 3, 2012. I wrote my first email letter of notice yesterday. Without a doubt, this experience has been derelicte….do you remember what derelicte means? Yes – strange but beautiful. For this new year, I stayed in my apartment and prayed. I wanted to be at peace…..plus I couldn’t be assed with the “hassinny” (translate to agony, don’t ask me why) of the busyness of New Year’s Eve…..or the heartbreak. In my apartment, I said a long and detailed prayer. I prayed about my job, I prayed for my loved ones, I prayed for my Grandma, I prayed for Jamaica. I spent a lot of time, praying about my love life…..finding a good man, exercising self-control……following my own bullshit advice in that splendid post I wrote called A Musing Deserving Permanence. When the prayer ended I felt better. That was December 31, 2011.

By January 2, 2012, my gem of friend, Jan, explained to me, that my obscene and crazy yelp that I shrieked in my apartment at intervals, that being “ticks inna mi PU”, was, fun and jokes aside, a serious, serious issue. My bed has bed bugs. In Jamaica, we call them CHINK. I had no idea what a chink looked like, did to you while you slept, or what they do to your skin. I just thought that I had contracted grass lice from a sojourn to the country for my job. Nope. My pal asked me via video call, if my black bruises had holes in the middle……yesssssssssssssssssssssssss. If I itch a lot? Uhhhh hawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Yah, I have chink to raas.

The chink was the insect to break the camel’s humps. I kept searching for reasons to stay at this apartment. My first one, my first new home. I liked my neighbour next door
, a saucy and beautiful woman who I have a feeling I’ll be a lot like when I’m around 50. I liked the area in which I “was” living, pretty much central and very conducive to artistic expression. After all, I did go to that street dance with my helper at the time. I did film rain for the first time in this apartment. I moved into a studio with ivy on the walls. My gardener and I took it down…..it is growing back. As much as I craved privacy and freedom, at this apartment, I got pseudo freedom and no privacy. And it didn’t bother me as much as I expected. You know how you have these movies, with a woman living by herself and her male neighbours always looking through her window? Well, try lattice work instead of windows. It didn’t bother me too much though. Kept my life interesting, wondering what exactly my audience was seeing….heh.

I think I had better make a list-esque of what I learnt about living alone and advice for anyone who wants to break free without proper planning.

1.       If you are in your twenties, don’t rent from anyone younger than you. It is a biased statement and I don’t give a fuck.
2.       Yeah, you want to leave, you want your freedom, but if you don’t have money, you’ll be a slave and somebody’s blob of shit on their shoe’s heel. So, get your freedom but know that, if you don’t get a good bargain, you’ll be FORKED in the ass.
3.       A furnished apartment should have furniture in good condition.
4.       Your apartment should be fumigated before you move in.
5.       You need to get receipts when you pay your rent.
6.       If your landlady decides that she wants to take you for a ride and you let her, she nah go pull the brake. If you are making her money ha ha (grow), she won’t pull the brake at all. So, you gadda? Do whatcha gadda do.
7.       Communication is key. If your landlady refuses to communicate with you, that is a real bad sign and a real bad business relationship. I got shithouse communication.
8.       Live good with your neighbours. Heh heh. The first night I was there, I asked a guy across the yard to take a lizard out of the electrical outlet which has no base around it. The lizard had been electrocuted. He and I are still cool now. A cool yute. Another gentleman across the yard, lit my two burner stove for me. I did not remember how to light a stove with matches. He assumed that I had no experience in the kitchen.........we are cool also. A little boy around the side befriended me. I try to keep my distance since I am at war with his muuther. But, he is a sweet precocious little one.
9.       When you are highly stressed, take a nap. I remember when the ratty fridge began to leak and defrost for a reason unbeknownst to me. I had just come from the supermarket, put chicken and mutton in the freezer section. And di fridge start defrost! I didn’t know how to get it back on. The floor was puddling and puddling with water. I didn’t know WTF to do! I went to sleep for two hours. I woke up and took up the refrigerator manual. I figured out how to turn back on the refrigerator.
10.   Don’t let your landlord or landlady feel she has the upper hand. That bitch will bleed when the standing order is lassed (cutlassed). If you have a landlord who is behaving like he is doing you a favour to let you live in a shoddy establishment…..provided that you are paying your rent,,,,,,, piss on his PU. Go back home til you get value for money.
11.   It is 2012 people. FORK slavery! People who bleed you of money – teefing government, criminal, unjust landlord – FUCK THEM! Time to realize that freedom without financial independence and financial power is a misnomer for sucking shit. For 2012, all mi a pree is ------ VALUE FI MI RAAS MONEY. Yuh hear Portia?!
12.   PS. Two days after I moved in the apartment, I asked the gentleman across the yard if a retarded person lived next door. I kept hearing disturbing  and bizarre sounds at night. He looked into my eyes to see if I was being coy or if I was for real. Then he said calmly….oh, those are the cats next door. I go, incredulously….”Are they mating??”…..He’s all….yes……..I go…Ok……Had to add that, since the cats are going at it righhhhhhtttt nowwwww. Heh Heh. Cotchya :)

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