Friday, November 25, 2011

ON MY BIRTHDAY........

Which was Thursday, November 24th, I shared the day with the American Thanksgiving holiday. Here is my list of what I realized and did on the day:

1. On the 23rd, I approached my work nemesis and apologized and asked for forgiveness. We had been at each other's throats over "some guy". I realized that I had to listen to the advice I sought from God about the unbearably hostile and unnecessarily dramatic situation I had got myself entangled in. For months, I have prayed on and off about how to resolve my differences with my coworker. The prayer book, the Bible, my mother all said, confront the person. In the end, I decided that my own actions towards the individual were spurned by my feelings of inadequacy, jealousy and envy over a man who does not deserve the intensity of any of those feelings. Hence I apologized for my behaviour. Work relations have improved.

2. On the 24th, I woke wanting to hear a message from God. I read my Bible. I was elated to find that I found my favourite gospel album on my computer which I listened to as I got myself ready for my day. I had no bus fare and God provided a ride to work for me.

3. I pinned a Christmas tree brooch my Grandma gave to me around two months before she died..........on the inside of my small jacket and wore it on my heart all day. I cried at first knowing I was blessed. Knowing that I am blessed. Knowing that the silence is sea deep, earth deep, love deep. And blessed (Derek Walcott).

4. I wore elaborate makeup and took pictures of myself before I left out for work.

5. I had a great day at work. My friend at work got me gummy bears, I love her. I get along quite well with my bosses. I try to keep my unpredictable and volatile temper in check with clients, I manage most times to do a good job at that. Otherwise, my name could very well reach on a radio talk show :(  :/

6. My Dad met me at a point on my birthday and dropped off delivered birthday presents. We didn't talk for long but I was very happy to see him. His temper is shorter than mine, which nowadays makes me very amused since we are very similar.

7. A childhood friend in New Zealand sent me a birthday card which my Dad delivered. It reached on November 22nd. It touched me :) But,
I find more significant the importance of the day to the person....to remember to send the card.....by itself, alone. I will keep mush out ;) Thank you :)

8. My favourite cousin is working and sent me a lovely pair of shooooooooesssss for work! YAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY! I love you :)

9. My Mom calls me very regularly and stops by after church sometimes. We have a good time and I love her more than anyone else right now. And I am so thankful for our relationship. You learn so much with time. You learn to focus on love, which is greater than faith and hope. And I love my Mom.

10. I love my sisters and my nieces. Kayla spent time with me at work recently and drew pictures of her family. At two years old, she knows that shoes go on feet in pictures. My eight year old niece, Annaleise and I  communicate via postcards. Her birthday is November 4th hence her middle name is Danielle. I just sent off her cards this afternoon :) My big sisters are my life and I cannot do without them.

11. I went to the supermarket/membership club and bought too many items. I am once more broke and upset with myself. But, I have attained several achievements in my growth. Alas, financial responsibility is sloooooooowwwww in being realized. I have faith and hopefully a patient and new financial advisor.

12. I got new pieces of furniture for my studio and I got a kettle! YAY!

13. I am enjoying my life! Thank God.

14. On my birthday, I woke up and read the Corinthians passage about love. And I will always continue to be inspired and try to abide by it. Because I do believe love is the greatest thing on earth. God loved us so much that He gave His Son to be sacrificed so that we could have a chance at eternity. Because of our mortality, we are unable to get there to be in God's presence on our own. So God so loved the world. And we try every day to show love to others. It is the greatest thing. I live my life knowing that my actions are nothing if I am not true and honest to love. I am not concerned so much with pride. I can be a love fool. Most times I am brave. Embarrassment and humiliation are not things I am afraid of. I am, like Sade.....a soldier of love.

15. I like to listen to my church brother sing. I video him at church singing and then I go home and sing the songs he sings when I need to feel close to God. The one I sing a lot now is "I found the answer down on my knees." :)

16. I met a guy years ago and we talk very regularly now. He intermittently asks me to write a poem about him. Well, the one on the side, the excerpt from Lion's Puss.....you were the inspiration behind the line about Earl Grey tea. A patchwork in the quilt. I like you a lot, and my favourite body part(s) of yours (are) your eyes :).

17. My closest friends are not my closest friends right now. But, as scared and as lonely as I have been, living without the only friends I've believed in since I was 18....10 years......as I said to my closest male friend, maybe I am supposed to grow from this friend solitude. And God has sent new people in my life for me to learn to love and trust. The void no longer screams in agony.

18. I am 28. Last year, I defiantly snarled to my mother that I would not turn 28 in her house. By July 4th of this year, I was living in my own studio which is 7 minutes from where I work. I did not think about the fact that what I had snarled to her had been realized. I was mad and angry with my parents. But right now, I am learning not to regret any of my actions or the past. My heart, my mind and my soul are in a better place. And I am 28 years old.

19. God is the centre of all of me. I am nothing without God. When I worked at the church........see the post I wrote about  Not So Derelicte .......I found the conditions there unbearable. But I needed the money and I had nowhere else to go. One morning, I drove to work and cried all the way. When I got to work, I prayed and asked God to deliver me. I had never meant it any more than I did that day. I bawled, "God give me deliverance. Please deliver me from this place."  Just as my Grandma had in the post I wrote called Thelma. I begged God to deliver me. Within a week, I got a call from where I now work.

20. God is the only thing in my life, the only person who I know will never fail me. And as I said to my friend almost two years ago, I believe in God because I would hate to believe that God does not exist......because that would spell a lonely existence. Never believing that someone is always in your corner, always by your side and always there to love and care for you, have your back. I won't give up God because He is the reason why I am alive and why I want to live.

21. On turning 28, I say, thank you God, Jesus Christ, Heavenly Father. I know I sin every day. Please forgive me for my bad deeds. Thank you for showing love to me. Thank you for changing my life and providing for me. Thank you for making me see 28 years. Thank you for being in my life. Please stay by my side and teach me how to please you. Amen.

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