Friday, April 22, 2011

The Sacrifice of Love and my thoughts on Love a year later.

There is a scene in the movie The Great Debaters where Denzel Washington tells his students that he is there to help them reclaim their righteous minds.

I fought tooth and nail last year to hang on to mine. It was very hard. But thank you Jesus, I fought the battle and came out on top. And now, who the fuck will try to take me down? I don' even know :)

But I remember quite a substantial chunk of some of the things I wrote about and later deleted on the Vicissitudes. One of them was a musing that I thought the Vicissitudes was a little bit like the movie What Women Want.

I think that what I do when I come here and write, is a strength giver and life sustainer....to myself. To say that my blog tells men the secrets of what women think and hide from them? Not particularly, no. I write here to add a new colour, or brighten or tone down a shade. I am painting my life as a picture, a painting that only I can judge and give value to. It is my journal, I share it with you. Sometimes it gets political, since it is public. But nevertheless, welcome to my art, my journal, my life.

On Facebook, I constantly add and delete people. Especially men. And to be truthful, it is no longer "constantly" but still, it can be a little uncomfortable.......when you have to write all the time knowing that some of your audience is not peripheral to you nor indifferent. But still, donkey seh di worl nuh level. Guess donkey has a big dick and a pea brain. :)


So, to give some form and direction to this new post, it's Easter. I am on holiday from work. I miss going to church. Today is Good Friday. God died for me. He gave me my best friends, my family, experiences that hurt but have not killed me, only made me stronger. He gave me a good new job, and he's given me better wages. AMEN! With all of that in mind, I really want to go and be in his house and just say, Thank you, Jesus. One of my mentors suggested I change churches when I explained that there is a rift between myself and my church. But as I see it, the church of God is in your heart. "Church" is the house of the Lord. And the Lord resides inside of all of us. So the man-made temple is just to commune with other believers. It does not mean that there, is the only place you can feel God. Therefore, one man-made temple serves the purpose of all of them. So, I expect to be in my church on Easter Sunday. I'm excited.

Because of God's love I try to be inspired and love people the way God loves me. I fall off the wagon a lot, some of my ex's call me "vexy vexy" because I am prone to malice :) But I tend to be very forgiving, even when I am not asked for forgiveness, I still forgive. But yes, when Jesus died on the cross for us so we could live and not perish, I doubt he said, ok, I am dying for this set but not the set that did that type of sin, because that sin is worse than this one. Nope. God died for all of us.

I try to translate that into my life and especially my love life. I am not a particularly judgmental person. In fact, it is usually strange behaviour, appearance or just those strange men that I tend to really fall in love with. None of them have been perfect. And, I hasten to add that I sought perfection in the past and it stung me in my? ASS. After that, I have been fine not trying to fit all the pieces of the puzzle together. Only God can fit the jigsaw of our entire lives together.

So, I've dated several different types of personalities. None perfect but just to my liking. I used to go into relationships thinking that the man was a good choice, safe and less likely to break my heart. But, nope, there are no guarantees with love. I am trying to cultivate the mindset that love is for how you feel now. Because you don't know if you'll be around next year, next week, tomorrow. I am willing to give men I would never give a chance, a chance.....now. Life is slightly confusing sometimes now, because there are different guys out there, and I am not getting a chance to groom any loyalty. But, it's ok. New to me, but ok.

Last year I thought that unless the guy seemed perfect in his imperfections I would not date him. Because I only dated at that time with the intention of putting his and my life together in the future. These days, all I want from a man, is a man to talk to me and tell me how he feels. That's it. It's all I ask. If you don't want to talk to me, well, we won't be together..........

Easter is supposed to be commemorating God's gift of eternal life to his children who accept and love him. Thank you for dying for my sins Lord. I pray for all my loved ones, here and with you. I pray that we all will love each other without passing judgment, accepting each other, flaws and all, and following your example in being selfless, loyal, kind and brave for the ones we love. Amen.

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