Saturday, March 12, 2011

In Memoriam

My older post titled In Memoriam was my first poem after a more than two year break from writing. It was two months after my Grandma's passing, and so very difficult.... with her absence and silence growing and growing....the void in which I walked around, dazed, was stuck on Ne Me Quitte Pas. It was my only soundtrack. A pain that was best described in a language I still don't understand but always feel.

When I wrote that poem, I was not very confident about it, as is usually the case with my new poems, more so when I've just returned from hiatus. In the poem I said that I saw my Grandma in a dream and she comforted me. In fact, that was just to comfort myself. I only see her in daydreams, pictures and everything that makes me who I am. I haven't dreamt about her. All I dream about these days is my new and promising career.....sounds so facetious, maybe I am being.... a little bit.

It used to worry me that she hasn't come to talk to me in my dreams as yet. Sometimes I wonder if I've dreamt about her and forgotten by sunrise. But, then I remember that whenever I dream about someone I really love and care for.....I always remember in the morning.

We are so much alike, Grandma and me. We love to laugh, entertain people, and cry easily. Quite melodramatic, emotional, take long to let go of lost loves. We really love each other and we really love our family. Wi kinda soft :)

I remember a time when Grandma got very sick, maybe 4 years ago in 2007. I went to see her in the hospital and she looked so sick and in pain, with a disturbing tube passing blood from her urine to a bag. I didn't understand.....it broke my heart. I broke down, crying and left the room, not wanting to stress her out. It was her face too.....it was enduring so much and looking so forlorn yet resigned. I went outside the ward and I certainly had a good cry. It was the first and only time I wept in a hospital for her.

Last year when she was sick it was very different. I didn't cry at that time, somehow I was in severe shock and just chanting "Be strong". Plus, she had started giving us hints that she sensed she would be leaving. When my sister got engaged in January last year, she was thrilled. She asked me when her date would be. When I said December....................she gave me such a sad, regretful smile. She didn't think she would last a year.
So, when she got weaker and a little depressed, I dunno, I guess I was a bit more accepting of what she believed and tried to prepare us for.

Some days, I wish I could get a hug. She gave great hugs and made me feel so happy and comfy. When my coworker talks about her own Grandma and how she lends my coworker money and demands its return, I blink a lot because I can see how much the girl loves that woman. Any Grandma I see now, makes me miss mine.

I got my last hug. It was a good one too. She had just tidied. And I was getting her dressed. She wasn't eating much. She couldn't even sit up on her own. I went and sat behind her on the bed, propped her up with my hands and put my arms around her from behind. I held on tight. It was the last hug and I am so glad that I got it. She was warm in my arms, she was my Grandma, alive, not very well. But I hugged that woman and clutched her to me.

After that, we only held hands....in silence with varying smile widths. And after that she was............


Dear Grandma,

Thank you for my Mom. You gave me my Mom. Thanks :) She's still here, I still have her. And my family and my friends. Thanks for watching over me. And helping me think more clearly in serious situations. I'm doing ok, Mama. We'll be ok. One year you have left us. We're doing ok.


Dear God, thank you for my Grandma.



Glossary:

She had just tidied - She had just been given a light bath.

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