The day Grandma went home, I nearly passed out at work. For a few days my stomach had been upset and on her day of departure I struggled to stay conscious at work....it was the worst I had ever felt. I contemplated taking a nap at a friend's home on the way to mine but I pressed on and drove slowly, narrowly escaping accidents, my mind far away.
I got home, and also got the call.
I've never had to deal with grief Lord. And you have made me the type of person to turn my pain into a lesson. But I just want to say God: thank you for allowing me to experience love in this way. I probably don't know how to love a man, or maybe I have forgotten. But God, I realize now that I felt a powerful love for my Gran. I thank you for facilitating grief. This way, if and when it happens again, I won't be caught so off guard.
I was scared God. She went home March 12. And it wasn't until September that I said with all the horror and trauma I have ever known - "Shit".
But, I feel better knowing now that it's my time to grieve. If it lasts for a long while, I will try to manage God. I know you always have my back even when I don't ask for your protection. Thank you.
God, I'm praying for all of my family. I'm praying for Debbie. Help her please. Continue to hug all of us. Tight, tight, tight. Bless all of us, the ones of us who never got enough time. With her. Those of us who are still in shock and haven't broken down as yet. Help those of us who................need you to help us.
Whoever you are, you are in our hearts. In all of our hearts. If we can care, if we can love, if we can be kind, if we can be a friend to someone - you are right there. If we do the wrong things over and over, beat up ourselves, our minds and our temples......I know you are there even more.
The longer I live, the harder it gets. But I am grateful to you for giving me my Grandma. I will always love her. I ask your forgiveness and hers for the times when I should've been a better granddaughter to her and I fell short. Please give me the chance to do a better job now.
I'm sorry I cut my hair Grandma. I was mad at you. I won't cut it again.