Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Soundtracks at 26 1/2

The last time I wrote my soundtrack I was 24 1/2. At the time, I was able to talk about grief and halfway healing, being in limbo, and clarity.

Two years later....there is a new type of grief, a realization that the healing has left a sink that will be tender til....I don't know....long time. Still in limbo, but to a duller degree, not as piercing. Clarity - it is clear that I want to share my life with someone who wants to share his life with me just as much....The blurry part is.....who is he?

Soundtracks....a song I rediscovered today, posted on Facebook and have been listening to at intervals....all fucking day. "How Often" by Kevon Edmonds. My love for you won't go away. But I want it to shape itself into constructive love....the type that is sensible, speaks when spoken to, does not puff up and stalk away cussing badwords because you said....whatever you say that twists the stake further in. I want my love to be constructive so I can be happy for you, wish you well, and so I can look at you without second guessing my smile.

Other soundtracks....Beres Hammond, "If Only I Knew".....I know exactly what I did. But still, I don't know why I love you so much...without your response being the same....I have "burned in the morning sun, waited until morning came, and I will leave because today I found out what I'd done." This is a very beautiful song by the way.

Daville, "Can't Get Over You"....not this instant. I hope I will...I thought I did. Only halfway inside though. I knew the dullness was not wellness, just the reaction to silence and absence.

Total Eclipse of the Heart by Air Supply....the relevant part:

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

As I type I am distractedly glancing at my niece, who is pulling off the tops of my lotion bottles and hair ointments.....she's a big part of my life so "I cyaa Sleep" by Tarrus Riley.

There's a lil song I've heard on the radio a few times....can't remember the lyrics, I remember the message. It applies.

When I was turning 25 I said No More Drama....not much drama....but still a lot of pain and silent defeat.

Kayla just broke my CD case.

For the life of me I can't remember much of the lyrics of a song a beauty pageant runner up did a few years ago. But the sentiments and emotion in her voice echoed mine then and still now, in my little musical that I play out on paper and in my dreams.

I won't be whole until I'm free of you. Right now, I'm good...but I'm not whole. I'm not fine.

I need to be with somebody.....I could use somebody NOT like you.

Poker Face, version by Chris Daughtry.....unless you read what I write, I will never flinch.

Now the bab is talking in babby language signalling to me that she wants me to pick her up, cuddle for a sec and then allow her to annihilate my already shitty pc. She keeps saying mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm.....her Granny is giving her a bath now.

My dearest Grandma passed....this is the new type of grief I spoke about at the beginning. Terro 3000, a line from his song In My Life -"from yuh rest in peace, mi cyaa rest in peace, is like mi resting cease." I still grieve for you. I wear your brooch on my heart, I measure the time with the watch you gave me, I look at us hugging and smiling on my desktop wallpaper, every day. I miss you...I sleep, now though. I am waiting to see you when I sleep.

I wished for Alicia Keys' Unthinkable to be in my soundtrack this year. It was one morning....by nightfall it was shot to hell. So, no. No Unthinkable.

I don't understand most of what Maxwell means in Fist Full of Tears....but just imagine the meaning of the title....a fist, sometimes used to hurt, sometimes denoting strength and power....but full of tears. I love Maxwell.

John Legend's 2nd album is one of my favourites of all time. All of the songs are my soundtrack from 2006 til now. And the effect of the songs on me never changes. I think one of the best ones for this post is not the last track on the album "Coming Home" which talks about struggle, war and a long, hard journey. It's not the best for this post. I will choose Maxine's Interlude which is a dirge, which is essentially what this post is. As I age, will I find more joys than sorrows...you prepare for one...another comes (Walcott).

if ever...you yearn for the love. in me. whenever. wherever. whatever.

it was all a dream. i used to read. word up. magazine.

bab is fresh, clean and up to her usual impossible, endearing mischief.

1 comment:

Jaquanda Rae said...

last summer was erratic and sad.