As the years pass I become more convinced that I may have never loved a man romantically. I listen to various songs that speak of love and sometimes I can identify with some of the lyrics. When I read the Bible (not Cosmopolitan in this instance) I wonder if I have ever truly loved someone.....1st Corinthians (I think it's 1st, ha ha) speaks of love's characteristics - love is patient, love is kind, it hopes and endures all things, it is not jealous, it does not boast. These stand out in my mind.
I think of all my past relationships and realize that I have always been a jealous person. The jealousy I usually feel always makes me feel powerless, insecure and inadequate. Sometimes, it gets in the way, sometimes not so much. But it always makes me feel like I have little control over my emotions and self esteem. It sucks.
The other elements which St Paul wrote about are usually present in some way or the other. But after a particularly excruciating series of events almost 3 years ago, I've done a bit of analysis of my behaviour in relationships. I don't know if some boys and girls are taught how to behave in relationships.....or if they follow what they see with the grown ups around them. For me, I may in some ways copy my parents' techniques but I can't concretely affirm that at this stage. For me, from my first boyfriend til the last, I followed my emotions. I jumped, I jump. I guess we all do at some stage. When I supposedly fall in love, it is impossible for me to think of myself as a single entity....I try, but constantly fail. If the person I'm with seems to satisfy my need for commitment....I just may become obsessed.
At the age of 22, I recognized these characteristics in myself and I took a break from anything beyond platonic. When I started dating again after that, I put up a chastity belt around my heart...not to be screwed with. And it worked ok most times. Then, a while later, I met someone and we did something I hadn't done since teenage years - we took it slow. I thought I had found a pure love..........
Funnily enough, our demise was not precipitated by my jealousy -
sure I had jealous fits but no. This person just was not who he said he was. And he was equally obsessed. Or maybe not obsessed - he was like a tale I heard: like a man drowning who is being saved and is so desperately hanging on for dear life that he attempts to drag you under to keep breathing. Desperation is human but it's also ugly.
So,when this dream I carried in an imaginary trinket box shattered....I said to myself, Jaquanda, you were not in love, love does not feel like that. Love is not obsessive or possessive. I notice the media has this way of justifying some messed up stuff.....I've read, watched and listened to the sentiment that obsession is fine with regards to people being in love. It doesn't work out so well for me.
I've had roughly 4 serious relationships. The people I've gotten over are people I rarely communicate with. Out of sight, out of mind. There does remain for most of my ex's, a certain sadness at the way things worked out.
I am 26 years old and I do not know if I am capable of having a healthy romantic relationship. Sometimes I wonder if I would even be a good mother because of how deeply I attach myself to people. I am so afraid of creating a child because I would be so invested in making this little person happy. Love scares me because I do not know what it is, what it means. If I think that I have fallen in love, I easily get caught in this web of possession, jealousy and obsession.
I believe there is hope for me. I have been celibate and single since 2007. I am much more connected and proactive in my relationship with God. I am also much more gentle and understanding with myself (lol, don't be fooled by this post, lol). Right now, I would never dream of upsetting my calm. But if God gives me a husband and family, I will trust in Him that I am worthy of the gift and capable of utilizing my new family members.
What is love? I do not know because I have never been in love. Michael Bolton, whom I love, said in a song "said I loved you but I lied, Something more than love I feel inside. Said I loved you but I was wrong, love could never ever feel so strong."
Have you ever been in love?