Friday, July 3, 2009

I Love Me - A Good Ending.

Men have egos and girls have issues. A few big ones, many small ones (for clarification these don't relate to the sizes of women but rather to the sizes of their issues.)

Yes, I know - women have egos too and men also have issues (CAN I TELL YOU?). But we all know how destructive the male ego can be and similarly how women will dissect an issue the size of a louse, stew over it as it gives birth and then present the larva to her girlfriend for further picking. Hence Collins Paperback Dictionary refers to nitpicking as the above activity but alas! not in so many words. They also define a nit as the larva of a louse. A+ for all readers who did not need an explanation! F for all the confused readers!

This topic comes today after I discussed a big, hairy, noisy, frowzy, halitosis - possessing monkey that so happens to be frolicking on my back. This morning as I type however, he's lost some weight, hair, odor and is being very quiet. We'll see if he'll beat it soon. I was telling an online friend of mine about an experience that has haunted me since it's inception 7 years ago. Someone who was supposed to be my friend said "What sign are you?" then "You think the world revolves around you."

There were a couple of things wrong with the scenario: for instance, we were all in a circle, telling each other what we really thought about each other, in apparently a brutally honest way. And it was classified as a lunch time game. I think to this day, that that was the worst game ever created. Sure you can be honest with someone, brutally honest even. But I think that, brutal honesty should be in an intimate setting, not out in public, around several persons.

Secondly, she said it with a laugh. Aww well, Danielle, Dr Evil has a laugh too.
But come on! As you can see, this duppy of 7 years past is still spooking the froth out of my urine.

The point is however, that I constantly wonder if I talk about myself too much and don't listen to others enough. I've grown quieter over the years, but only relative to how animated and boisterous I was as a teenager. So, usually WHENEVER I'm either talking to someone or have just finished talking and have vacated the area, til way down in the day, night or morning....I wonder to myself, was that girl right? Do I only think about myself? Am I completely self-absorbed? Did I listen enough to what this person just said to me? And I go on and on, and the monkey gives me judo chops and belches in my face. And I end up saying each time " I wish I were a quiet person."

It would appear that Jesus on the cross was not enough for me. For 7 years, I've been drop kicking myself and generally not loving myself enough. My friend said that we can't all be quiet. I wonder what Jamaica would be like if everyone was quiet? Wowow. Probably, it would be another Caribbean island, have another name and different people. Talkative people have a place!

My friend also asked me if I think that I think that the world revolves around me. And it was clear to me: No, Danielle, you do not think the world revolves around you. As I type, smelly Godzilla has lost even more pounds. My neck is not as strained.

So easy it is for us to believe what others say about us, second guess ourselves and try to be what the other person is. We don't know if we love ourselves until someone else tells us that they love us. If they leave, we realize we never loved ourselves from the jump; it was just what they loved about us that we adopted. Once they take it away, it goes from our grip.

My title speaks of self love determining the outcome. Some of us may say, no, actually it's God who determines all things. True. But God teaches us to be like Him - He makes us, we make our children; He loves us, we love ourselves; He helps us, we help ourselves. So, God is there, yes. But He works through you so you can have hands-on control over your outcome.

Now, before I lose the not so spiritual, I'll get back to my point. Some say you should always improve upon your flaws, try hard to be a better person every day. Some say love yourself, flaws and all. Now on one hand, I've discovered that nothing is wrong with being talkative, and a world without talkative people would be very dull. After all, haters would not get the satisfaction of criticizing the motor mouths. But on the other hand, would you say to a pedophile "Love yourself, flaws and all"?. I think we have to strike a balance somewhere. For God's sake, have a spine. Try to rationally filter what comments stay in your memory and which ones go to trash. Would you want to spend all your breath thinking about SPAM? (just to go further with the I.T. analogy.)

Secondly,I think it's more important to love yourself than to be loved by a romantic interest. Somehow though, the compliment of another person's love is more blatantly satisfying than just being happy with who you are. It's like knowing you have good muscle tone because you've spent your days swimming like a mermaid. But guess what, your sister says you're tough. Then when you hit the age to start dating (for the more liberal households), your date says one day, "Wow, you are absolutely sexy. I love your firmness." You already know that you're firm and sexy but with him also recognizing that, man, you could probably swim out to Cuba if he says "Keep it up."
You don't want the quality you've recognized, that has just been recognized by this guy to ever go away. Why? Because, you always had to fight to believe it was a good quality; now it's confirmed, it's more substantial.

That is not really a bad thing. Compliments are meant to be graciously accepted. But what to do, when the SPAM comes around, all around, right there in your face.? Do you take it to heart too? Let it seep in and drain you right to the last cell?

In the end, we have to make what we think be the deciding factor. How do I see myself? What do I want from myself? I am worthy - are you worthy of me? Prove it.


Anonymous said...

A thousand salutes for this one sis. You kept me thoroughly entertained right from the start (still cracking up over the halitosis-riddled monkey), but yet profoundly inspired. I love your work sis. Cuh mi likkle sista! :)

Jaquanda Rae said...

heyyyyyy, anonymous ;). i wonder why u choose to stay anonymous? show u self man!

thanks sis! this one kept me til 3 am, (writing it).