Thursday, June 18, 2009

Sunshine, Failure = Sunshine

This is because sunshine is so much more powerful if you just let it.

I failed all my exams for second semester.

I got a summer job in the roughest financial period in years.

I've let the sunshine take over...make the most of the summer, do over first year law with more focus and experience and steely willpower.


This perspective was greatly aided by my dad's caring words re the exam results. He said "I know you can do this. I have no doubt. Just pull on your reserves."

I don't always like him, but I do love him. When he makes it count, he certainly does.

I tend to liken myself to the worst lawyer out there, always joke that I'll lose my cases. I always compare myself to the students who eat, sleep, breathe law who always know what the topics are about. And it's in good fun for me. But it's not really good for me deep down because I've been doubting myself. I've been hanging the childhood dream of lawyer out to burn like a stained panty...

Before I discovered the poet in me, I always wanted to be a lawyer. It excited me as a little girl to watch Matlock, Perry Mason, L.A. Law and especially Street Legal. I saw confident, smart individuals trying to do the right thing, helping people, fighting with their humanity and generally making a difference in the lives of others. I wanted to do that.

Then high school started and I grew a deep love for literature. Then came 16 when I fell in love for the first time. An earnest, redundant, messy poet was born (I had a prized poem, called "Promise of Winter" - I live in Jamaica, we don't have real winters here!) I grew confident in my poetry and continued writing. Today, I still have a far way to go, and I am mostly uncomfortable with my level of skill. But I still see myself as a promising writer.

But writing is something that scares the hell out of me sometimes. I write intense poetry when I am down, my best work comes from my saddest days. I refuse to stake my living on something that thrives on my worst days. I've read about so many writers who have either met death at their own hands or by some other horrible way because of how unhappy they were.

So! My task now is to find a way to write a meaningful and skilful poem inspired by happiness. It shouldn't be too hard, I'll have to learn but I welcome the lessons to come.

So, in the mean time, while I learn, I will succeed at my childhood dream of becoming a lawyer. First thing is to believe that I can and deserve to be a lawyer. Second thing is to put aside the superficial goal of wearing cute heels and "smoking" suits (yes, I summarized my aim in doing law as that MORE THAN ONCE!) and to aim to make a difference in the world, my country, my family....just make a difference. It can be done. Dammit to hell, it will be done!

Sunshine did this? Maybe it's the cool, flowing water being poured through my parched lips as I crawl out the desert of bruk pocketedness....$$$$$$$$$!


Sucharita Sarkar said...

Go for it Gal, if you can convince the judge/jury the way you have convinced yourself (and me) you'll be a great lawyer...and one that can write very good poetry, too.

P.S: There's this Brit detective fiction writer PD James, who writes about a Police Commissioner detective Adam Dalgliesh, who also writes great poetry.

Anonymous said...

Now this is some inspiring shit sis! This is the shizzle!

You keep on shining girl! The sky's the limit - forget sky, the universe!

Luv YA!